business/busyness

so it's been awhile. a lot of things have changed, a lot have stayed the same.

I suppose the biggest news that I have is that I am now employed. I was lucky enough to have my Computer Science professor recommend me for a job in the department doing research on Constraint Processing, working on handling a database and its processes as well as improving and completing the Sudoku solver that someone has previous written here at the university.

otherwise, I have been busy with classes and working on just finding a balance in life. ends up that might be one of the biggest things I learn in the next four years, how to maintain a balanced life of productivity, relaxation, and enjoyment of the little things. it seems to easy to get caught up in everything and just become overwhelmed at the immensity of life.

sometimes I really struggle to find the silver lining.

but fortunately it's there. Colleen and I have started reading Job, which is a real testament to how to handle things when they seem overwhelming. one of my favorite verses says "shall we accept good from God, but not trouble?" it has really put things in perspective for me.

so I suppose, sitting back and looking at life, life is really beautiful right now.
I can only hope that it continues this way.

a sour note

this week I came to the realization that a music major is just not going to work for me.

I'm not cut out for the task, the music department is kinda screwy, and I don't feel like fighting for it. it makes me wonder though, how important it really was to me if I'm just going to let it go away like this. I'm probably taking my last music class ever right now. I want to cry because I am so upset, and I'd rather just sit and cry then get off my butt and try.

I dunno. this week has kinda be rough. I basically failed my sightsinging audit today, and my teacher told me that I need to get on track.

I guess she just doesn't know that I'm not riding that train anymore.

major decisions

I've been looking to the future a lot lately. contemplating where it is I want to be in four years, what I want to be doing. I thought I knew, but now that I really examine myself I don't even know anymore.

my current major, computer science, is all well and good, and I'm perfectly capable of doing it, but it also frustrates the living daylights out of me when it's not working (which ends up to be the majority of the time). the only alluring thing about computer science right now is job placement and salary.

but should those be an issue if I am not happy? I don't think so. do the rewards of the joy I feel when I accomplish a programming assignment outweigh the stress that it took to get there? maybe not.

and what about music? I really love music. it's my one true passion, but I don't feel like I'm extraordinary at it, at least not performance-wise. I don't think I could really handle being an applied music major for two years just to make into a theory or education major. plus, I'm not sure I'd want to teach music, unless it's theory. and I just don't see things falling in line in that area, but I really don't want to lose the music. it's just not something I want to deal with right now.

what I really believe I would love to be right now is a high school math teacher. math has always been a forte of mine, and I think I have a strong enough grasp on most of the topics covered in high school that I could plausibly teach it now, so with an education to enforce that I think I could kick butt at it. do I want to deal with crazy kids though? downside number one. salary? downside number two. but I do love math.

they say to do what you love, and the rest will follow. so I guess I need to decide what I love the most, and make it happen. of course, if I don't have enough interest to find the reason to pursue it, no matter what it takes, maybe I don't have the passion needed.

these are just the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind in between all my classes and homework and visits home.

for now, I'm just gonna sit it out and see what develops from this semester.

hope all is well,

Jason

life is a song.

so lately I've been dabbling in song recording (shameless plug: purevolume.com/jasong) and amidst my frustrations and jubilations I've realized how much life is like recording a song.

there are so many details that have to be attended to, balance and instrumentation and rhythm and tempo. they all are homogeneous with life. you can't go in unprepared. it's important to plan ahead, and to have an idea of what you'd like the outcome to be like. also, you must be ready to compromise and make changes on the fly. if these things don't happen, nothing productive will ever be accomplished.

lately the song I'm living is a good one. it's not perfect, in fact it has its struggles at times. the different parts feel like they are fighting each other, but eventually they seem to resolve back to a center. it's an intricate balance, I definitely am dealing with a multi-track mix. 

but with all the tracks combined, despite a few wrong notes here and there, life sounds pretty good right now.

in dependence

coming to college, I figured that things would get better, mostltty because I just felt that I was ready to be free from the direct jurisdiction of my parentals. and as far as that aspect goes it is. I can stay up to 2:30 every night if I want. I can eat nothing but ice cream and cookies at every meal. I can smoke a pack a day if I feel like it. I can skip all my classes and watch soaps all morning.

yet, I don't.

ends up, that I'm not really independent from my parents. in fact, I'm very much dependent on them, or at least their ideals. I've been just shocked and moved this last week or so how much my parents have shaped my life, and how they affected how I behave here, when I have freedoms like never before. 

it makes perfect sense, since I've basically lived with them for the last 18 years of my life, and they developed me into who I am. but I guess I never really thought about it, nor appreciated it.

I guess in the end, it comes down to the classic "you don't know what you have until you lose it". and I've just realized how much my parents, despite our various disagreements and what not that we all have, mean to me. 

sappy thoughts of the day.

by me.

the last couple weeks.

looking back over the last month, I find myself very unsure about how things have gone. 

as a disclaimer, I got my wisdom teeth out on monday, so I've been sitting around doing nothing and thinking a lot. while on the subject, I think I'm recovering pretty well, I had people over monday night already and I was talking and moving with ease, but by now I feel like things are dragging on forever and I can't even use a straw for two weeks and there's just a bunch of crazy stuff but I guess it's all for the better. I need to make sure I take my time and not rush this.

unlike some other parts of life.

do you ever feel like you're growing a lot and moving on from who you used to be, and then before you know it, you've slipped back to where you started?

that's how I feel right now. I almost feel like I rushed myself into something without thinking about. even worse, I thought I had thought about it. but now I find myself struggling to find a place of comfort. maybe this is how it's supposed to be. how should I know? it's been years. maybe I'm just wimping out because I don't want to adjust. but also maybe I don't know if this is important enough for me to adjust to.

even worse, I'm moving out friday and that's just going to add another layer of confusion to this cake.  yikes.

I feel like a mess right now.

hopefully I can patch things together.

anyway. I'll be back soon.

so much for frequency

as you can see, I am super diligent with the whole daily blogging thing. not.

life gets busy, and blogging becomes less and less important. plus it's summer. I have a job, I'm traveling a million places, I have friends to hang out with, a new love interest, college to get ready for, plus I often would rather just sleep than blog.

anyway, I thought I would mention that I'm updating this here on my new laptop! I purchased a loverly MacBook Pro yesterday night and we are just getting acquainted and a must say that we get along very nicely. it has everything I want. plus, it looks awesome, it super fast and sleek, and it's just so perfect. I luff it.

otherwise, I HATE work, absolutely despise it. I want to die every time I punch in. even the paychecks aren't worth it. hopefully after tomorrow and thursday I can just quit going.

that's life, as it is right now.

one month from now I'll be moving into my dorm, prepping for the next chapter of my life.

hooray!

a moment of history

so today I decided that if they ever invent a time machine (how long have people been hoping this will happen?) that I would want to go back to May 7, 1824 to see and hear the premiere of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in Vienna.

I bet you've all heard the story about the time Beethoven had to be told to turn around to accept his applause, well this was that time. but that's not why I want to go.

I was listening to this today while I was mowing (peculiar, perhaps) and it just reaffirmed my love for Beethoven's music. he just has a way of conveying emotion that no one else possesses, and it makes me shiver to think that he could compose this stuff, let alone when he was nearly one hundred percent deaf. but still, (i guess this is kinda the same point as the last one) that's not why I want to go.

I was reading about this premiere today, and it just seems like the most amazing time. first off, this was a time when composers still reigned and their music was highly anticipated and appreciated. the premiere was packed. this ended up being Beethoven's final symphony. it's over an hour of music. and this night, Beethoven received the respect and love that he'd been without for so many years of his life. i mean, he received five standin ovations. it was truly his night to shine.

and I wish I could have been there when he experienced that.

so, if they ever invent a time machine.
that's where I'll go.

faulpelz

lately I've been very lazy. sleeping until noon (not today.. i guess), sitting on my butt at home all day, not going out til ten and getting home early the next morning. watching tv, sitting at my computer. not cleaning, not working, just lounging.

but when struck with this realization, I encountered another. this is basically my last summer to just enjoy life. to enjoy travelling to five different places. to not have a job. to do what I want. to elude the Man.

so I'm quite fine with wasting my summer away laying in bed or watching tv.
if only I had someone to enjoy it with me...

renewed reason

so I went to the CWS yesterday with my grandfather.

and we were talking, and we was telling me all these cool stories about how he worked 90 hour weeks in college emptying coal from rail cars or how he played at rosenblatt when he was in high school or how he got his first job at a john deere shop.

and I just found myself longing for more and more stories and lessons and just history of how he lived and what he did. I feel like a lot will be lost whenever he passes if I don't get to know more and more about him.

so now I feel like I should start writing more here or somewhere so that someone knows what I did, so that a grandchild of mine could appreciate my life. and I know that I've said that before, but I guess yesterday just kinda made me want to do better at keeping this up, you know?

so I begin again.

officially collegiate

well tuesday I went to lincoln and enrolled. it was a freakin long day, and actually mostly filled with pointless presentations and tours, I mean really I could have gone for only an hour and gotten the same out of it, instead of the nine hours it took.

but I got registered for classes, which I guess was the whole point so that was good. plus my advisor, despite my dislike I already had for him from the last time we met, was actually very accepting of my plans to double major and didn't seem to want to force a bunch of computer classes down my throat, and let me take music. I guess I was surprised by that, but the music people seemed even more surprised and tried to stop me, but in the end I was victorious.

so here's the line up.

Musicianship Skills I (+ Lab and Keyboard Skills) - 4 hrs
Analytical Geometry and Calculus III - 4hrs
Library - 1 hr
Intro to Computer Science II - 4hrs
Univ Honors Seminar - History - 3hrs


I think it'll be a good semester. I didn't really want the history seminar (I was hoping for either the music or math one, but, figures, they were full) but I like the professor so I think it'll be chill. lots of reading it seems though, but that'll be good.

anyway, that's all that's really new. oh, I went to Disney world that was really fun. otherwise, the job that I "have" hasn't given me any work so that's real great for the pocket book. not.

oh well. everything will work out.
plus, free iPod with mac computer purchases! so i'm stoked for that.

'til later,
Jason

Samson

so, I found this incomplete poem that I wrote a eons ago, and I thought it was cool, so I thought I'd share. I guess too that it almost has inspired me tonight to not doubt about where I am and where I'm going and feeling like I can't do stuff. weird how I can inspire myself?


Samson, he was a strong, strong man
he was feared throughout the land
killed a thousand men with a jawbone
he did it himself, but he wasn't alone
the Lord gave him strength

when he was just a boy,
Samson was a bundle of joy
blessed by the Lord while he grew
there wasn't anything he couldn't do
the Lord gave him strength

Samson, they're upon you!
the Philistines are tryin' to harm you!
but you've got the Lord to thank
'cause they're no match for your strength
and now you've made them out as fools
confirming the fact that God rules
for the Lord gives us strength


then it goes into a verse about Delilah which isn't finished.
but I kinda like this one I think I want to finish it

my age is starting to expose itself.

okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic.

but tonight my sister was doing her homework with her friend over skype. and I was just taken aback by this crazy good idea, a tool that I never got to utilize in middle school.

I guess I just didn't feel ahead of the technology game.
and that made me feel old(er).

I have a feeling that this will happen a lot the next ten years.

see-saw

so sometimes I forget that I have this.
so much for the habit forming.


meanwhile.


See-Saw

up
like a helium balloon
down
into the dirt
opposite
a chum on a wooden plank

when he goes
up
i put him
down
we play for hours
never equal

happy limerick day!

There was an old man of Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing
It said on the door
`Don't spit on the floor'
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling

-Anonymous

sorry that I infringed

so I kindly borrowed a picture I found on google images of a zipper pull for my loverly blog. just a little accent piece. not hurting anyone, but just now I found this in my email box:

Dear Sir,

It has come to our attention that your website blog found at http://thezipperpull.blogspot.com contains a copy of a Talon42 picture that was taken from our website without permission. Please kindly remove this photo, which is our intellectual property, or we will be forced to contact your ISP provider and http://www.blogger.com administration requesting a termination of your account.

Thank You in advance for your cooperation on this matter,
Steel Zipper Administrator

which is cool. I mean, I guess I did steal it. but I didn't really think of it as stealing, like today it just seems to be common place to take pictures from anywhere on the internet. and music. and essays. and videos.

never really thought about all this infringement that's going on every second of every day. what does that say about society? ick.

moreover- what does that say about me? yikes.

will I stop? probably not, but it's definitely something to think about.

this isn't just about my blog.

I've been trying to stay consistent lately.

But it's been really hard.

graduation.

so the prospect of leaving high school is becoming increasingly overwhelming lately. I've just become so accustomed to going to that brick building everyday for four years; it's quite comfortable.

but life doesn't let you get comfortable. which is a good thing. but I guess the thing I'm most afraid of is losing all of my friends and people I've gotten to know over the last umpteen years of my life. (yes I realize that because I'm going to Lincoln that half of my friends are coming with me.) but just that feeling of not having the luxury of seeing someone everyday makes me sad.

and I feel like I take each day for granted now, knowing that they are some of my last. my grandmother is having her 55th high school reunion next month. 55 years. that seems so crazy. I try to imagine what my friends will be like in a 55 years and it blows my mind. that is such a long time.

I just forgot where I was going with this, but it seems about done anyway, so.
I hope I make the best of the rest of my time with my peers.

i cried a bit today.

I want to scream.
This is too much.
How can my dreams
cause such a fuss?
Why won't you let me
pursue what I want?
Why must I prove
that I'm good enough?
Can't you see passion?
I have it inside.
Just give me this chance,
I won't be denied.
Until I'm accepted
relentless, I'll be
for never will I let you
ruin my dream.

unexpected busyness.

so definitely got the wrong impression that things would start winding down about now. I figured after prom, everything would be easy going, nothing to worry about.

unfortunately life doesn't stop for me the way I seem to think it would.

now I feel just as busy as ever, and life seems to be barrelling down on me faster than ever.

welcome to reality, again, Jason.

first bite.

As I scrape the warm, freshly-baked cookie off of the hot, silvery cookie sheet with a cool, silvery spatula, I can hardly contain my anticipation. The very sight of that peanut butter cookie sends a direct shot through my cornea straight to my saliva glands, telling them: "Get ready for the good stuff!" My hands seems to ignore the temperature of the cookie as I lift it slowly toward my mouth. My teeth open gradually, allowing just enough space for the cooking to fit. My tongue rises to greet it, eagerly awaiting the taste and dually controlling the amount to enter. As I relax my arm, the cookie bends, and my lips tighten to bear the load. My teeth reunite as they pierce the dough and peanuts, creating a rush of flavor as they go. I close my eyes to take in the goodness. Suddenly, my whole life seems at ease. Nothing exists but that cookie and me. As I grind the cookie into digestible bits, my mind is exploding with enjoyment. Taking a careful gulp, the cookie is beyond my taste, and I can hardly wait for the next bite.

earth day.

today was beautiful.

I realized today how much I love the smell of outside. like, I finally recognized that it has it's own distinct smell and I really like it.

it reminds me off all the great times I've spent outside at camp and at the lake and on sidewalks and on trees.

it reminds me of how beautiful God made everything.

today I learned

that 70 percent of kids in third grade have a television in their room.

this sickens me.
where is society going? televisions are hardly worth anything these days, they are full of crap, and children should learn and explore when they are young. not watch hannah montana.

sorry. pet peeve. my children are definitely not having a tv in their room. not when they are in third grade, at least. of course we probably won't even have tv by then.

anywho, just my thoughts.

there's something addicting..

being onstage last night was one of the best nights of my life. like ever. and will ever be. there's something so freeing and amazing and enjoyable about going out on a stage in front of 600-700+ people and just being yourself and having people laugh and have a good time.

with that power in my hand, I feel so good. not like selfish like I'm glad they like me. but rather I'm glad that I could bring joy to so many people! (and that I didn't hear any crickets..)

I wish I could do that every weekend.
but then again, that's a lot of pressure. not that this event wasn't.

I guess maybe now I'm considering stage life? forget stage fright, I want to do it for everyone else. but what am I going to be? a comedian? a pianist? an emcee? a public speaker? I don't know. maybe this is crazy talk and I'm just still on a high from last night.

whatever it is. laughter is such a beautiful thing.

2nd runner up.

omgosh I can believe it's already over.
man, definately had the time of my life on stage.

dang.
that's all i can say.

thank you all who helped!

i wrote this for you, too

so I wrote my scholarship essay for the millard west music association like a blog so that it would have my voice in my thoughts and so I could share it with you.

hope they don't mind my use of passive voice or starting sentences with conjunctions.

oh well, this is me.
---

I still remember the day in eighth grade when a group of Millard West music students came to our middle school to encourage us to take music in high school. Even at my age, I assumed that most of the kids were just there because a teacher requested that they come, or because they simply wanted to get out of class. But one thing that a student said that day has stuck with me: “My favorite part about music is that it is first block everyday, and there is no better way to start the day than by making music.” Cheesy, I thought. But now, four years later, I discover myself on the opposite side of that interaction, and I can fully understand and appreciate how true that statement really is in my life.
Music has been a prominent part of my life since third grade when I first took up the piano. However, it was my four years at Millard West that opened the door and allowed me to realize what music means to me. When I started playing music, it was just something my parents wanted me to do. I didn’t really comprehend it, and by the time I entered high school I still don’t believe that I had a true appreciation for it. However, through the various musical groups and activities and experiences that I participated in at Millard West, I came to recognize how much music affects me everyday, and how it will continue to for the rest of my life.
One of the most important classes that I took during my high school education was AP Music Theory. This class really opened my eyes to what music really is. Before, music was something to do; it was notes on a page; it was nothing more than merely a sound to the ear. But after taking Music Theory, I came to realize that there is so much more to music than just notes and sounds. It goes deeper, portraying emotion and character and feeling; music is a glimpse into the soul. Music isn’t just created. It is conceived. The intricacies involved are so carefully planned to bring out what the composer intended, each note having its own meaning and purpose. To quote Beethoven, “Music is a higher revelation than philosophy.” Music Theory implanted a passion for music inside of me, one that will never be relinquished.
That passion is now the driving force in my life. This last year I have stepped beyond where I believed my boundaries were, joining more music groups and studying more and more music. I find myself comparing everyday life situations to musical terms: “Can’t you see? This problem is just like a suspended-four chord. You can feel it fighting itself, but you know that sooner or later it’ll get resolved.” I read books about composers, delving into their lives to appreciate their music at a deeper level. I analyze the chord structures of songs just for fun. It sounds like madness, I know, but I can’t help it! It’s what I love to do.
When that day that I receive my diploma arrives and I depart Millard West to commence the next chapter of my life, I won’t be leaving everything behind. Even without first block music to help me begin each day, inside of me, I will still have the music, and the passion that I developed for it while attending this school. Thanks to the Millard West Music Program, I now know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician.

God-breathed

I have these moments (one of them was tonight) where I'll be talking about God with some peers, and then all of a sudden realize that's it's not me talking at all. obviously, it's my voice that is speaking, but the words, those are beyond my own comprehension.

it's really cool, actually, because I feel like they're things that I would say but I didn't know how, and God just speaks through me and puts to words what I am incapible of doing. and I just praise Him for that.

and now I begin to wonder how many times I've seen God speaking to me through someone else.
and how many times I ignored it. :-/

this, too, is bomb:
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. [2 Corinthians 5:21]

ninja turtles

(from xkcd.com)

recurring theme

I can't seem to tell you how I feel
mostly because it doesn't ever seem right.
together, everything seems
like it was all meant to be,
but how rare an occurrence that is.
I try to speak, but you don't respond
unless you know that I need you then and there
otherwise, I'm just an acquaintance
but you don't know how much more I am.

I admire your eyes;
they are seas that flood my heart with excitement.
and your laugh, your sarcasm, your understanding,
they all leave impressions on me,
I find myself thinking about you more and more.
with caution, I try not to obsess
but if only you could see that I am willing
then I could let my adoration overflow
and fill you with joy and esteem
and love, yes love

however, I am nothing more than a dreamer,
only from afar might I see.
in my head, I know what we could achieve
still, it is folly, nothing more than a silly notion.
listen to this talk!
what merit does it hold?

sex, drugs, and rock & roll

I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately. mostly because I pulled out our USB record player and uploaded a handful of my dad's old vinyl records to my computer. I mean listen to this line up: Alan Parsons Project, Boston, ELO, Genesis, Journey, Pink Floyd, R.E.M., Rick Springfield, Styx, Supertramp, The Police, The Who, Tower of Power. I never knew I was sitting on such a gold mine. and that's just the beginning.

but listening to all this music has really made me wonder about drugs lately. like most of these bands were druggies, it comes through their music, and the music is amazing. some of the best music I have ever heard. so I mean, there's gotta be something that drugs unleash in you, spurring such creativity.

maybe it's the inhibition of the feeling you get, or the part of the brain that is stimulated, or maybe it's just happenstance. anyway, I'm really intrigued by this now.

I mean, it's not to say I want to be a druggie so I can appreciate the music more, or try to experience what they were when they wrote it. and I guess at this point in life drugs sound freakin scary, knowing what they can do (and seeing what they do to some people).

so for now, I'll just enjoy the music.
but my curiosity is definitely peaked.

loneliness

is tragical.

spring renewal

so right now we're in the process of getting a bunch of new carpet in my house. like entire first and second floor. guess high school graduations bring about these kind of things.

at first, I was really upset about it, because it's a LOT of work and I'm not exactly free willy right now with mr. millard west, and school, and DMC, and prom, and just trying to enjoy life. I also didn't know we were doing the whole carpet thing until a couple weeks ago (although, evidently they mentioned it this fall? I don't remember that!)

but now I'm kinda enjoying it. sure, we've had to move everything except the kitchen sink into the basement to clear room for the carpet people. and I've had to stay home a lot instead of going out (not that anyone invites me anywhere any way. no joke.) but I really like the cleanliness part of it. like we're gonna get rid of a buncha junk we don't need. the carpet will be pristine. and everything will be dusted off and refreshed. like uber spring cleaning. ahhh.

I wish I could spring clean my life. okay, I take that back. I can I wish I would.

I have so much going on in my mind lately. college (despite the fact that I'm decided), relationships (friends, parents, likes, crushes, loves), getting a job (yikes, never had one of those), college (did I mention that?)

anyway. I'm long winded.
happy spring!

video killed the photo album.

today I realized that there will be another major media for my children and grandchildren to see what I was like when I was young.

video.

think about all the videos on youtube, or facebook, or just on your camera. and think of your children watching them. I don't know it seems kinda weird and kinda cool at the same time. cause then they can see that I was just a regular kid like them (or a complete weirdo) but at the same time do I want them to see that?

I don't know. it's kinda hard to describe my apprehension toward the concept. I guess it just kinda feels like there's less for me to tell and more for me to show to my children. oh man - "show don't tell" great, thanks mr. mercer.

either way, it'll make a good family night someday to sit down and watch my old mr. millard west tapes. gosh that day is going to be so embarrassing.

homaha.

so today I fell in love with omaha. if you can do such a thing.

it's weird though, because I've lived here my whole life. well kinda, millard doesn't really count as omaha, mostly because it's just nothing more than suburbia. but today anna, candace, landon, and I went downtown and shot some footage for mr. millard west and I realized how cool this city really is.

like the next time the thought 'omaha is so boring' pops in my mind, I am driving downtown and just walking around. it's amazing what you can find. I definately on my list for this summer is to spend much more time downtown.

and hopefully by then I'll have a sweet camera and I can totally show you how much I love this place.

but for now, these petty words will have to suffice.

(and this cool pic I found on google.)

this counts as sunday's post.

one of my favorite things about life, is that everything has meaning to someone.

like, for instance, Candace and I watched 'Word Wars' tonight, about national Scrabble tournaments. and sure, to most people Scrabble is just a living room game, but to others it is their life. same can be true for ping pong, singing, or eating hot dogs.

there is nothing in this world that has no meaning, I guess it was I am trying to get across. why else would there be a world record for the longest time balancing a car on one's head? to somebody that means something.

so I suppose whenever you think something is dumb, remember it's not dumb to someone.
my philosophical thoughts for the night.

immortal beloved

Ludwig van Beethoven: What do you think? Music is... a dreadful thing. What is it? I don't understand it. What does it mean?

Anton Felix Schindler: It - it exalts the soul.

Ludwig van Beethoven: Utter nonsense. If you hear a marching band, is your soul exalted? No, you march. If you hear a waltz, you dance. If you hear a mass, you take communion. It is the power of music to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer. The listener has no choice. It is like hypnotism. So, now... What was in my mind when I wrote this? Hmm? A man is trying to reach his lover. His carriage has broken down in the rain. The wheels stuck in the mud. She will only wait so long. This... is the sound of his agitation. "This is how it is... ," the music is saying. "Not how you are used to being. Not how you are used to thinking. But like this."


mmm, new favorite movie.
it is beautiful.

1-on-1

I really like conversing with people, I do. it can be a real good time.

but when you have to talk with someone you haven't talked to for a while (if ever), things just seem to get so awkward. like, sure you're trying to be nice and courteous and learn everything that has happened in that person's life since you last met them, but whenever I'm in that situation, my mind always seems to gallivant off to thoughts of "hmm, how can I get out of this conversation?"

not that I don't in joy it, it just seems awkward. and I don't know why. I guess it's because I haven't interacted with the person for a while, so I'm not remembering completely how to interact with that person. so I look for an exit.

then, inevitably, I will about a half hour after the conversation think "oh, I should have asked this, or said that" then I feel bad for ending the chat when I did.

oh well, I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
orrr maybe I should work on my social skills.

fence sitting.

I never noticed,
not until now
how soft you hair feels to my touch

it's strange, the days
gone by since we met
and I never noticed how you heal my heart

I know you well,
it seems not by chance
you are all that I yearn for in life

how will I feel
if I never say
and act as though I never noticed?

void.

so tonight was the honors recital. I wore my new shirt :-).

it was the most crazy thing that I've ever experienced, though. I'd practiced my song enough times that I could play it easily. so when I went out there I wasn't too concerned about what I was going to play. I cleared everything from my mind, to concentrate on the music. I wanted to experience this.

oddly enough though I seemed to clear absolutely everything from my mind. I honestly don't remember thinking anything while I was sitting there on that piano bench. nothing but crap where I am when I messed up on my song. I played like a robot.

no thoughts. I don't know, it was weird.

you could say it's a love/hate

I hate shopping with my mother. she always has to look at everything. like even if it's something complete unneeded at our household. she says, "you shop like a man," which I am proud of. I know what I want in advance, I go in and find what I need, purchase it, then leave. I don't gawk or see what's on sale or 'peek' into a new store to see what they have. that's just ridiculous and a waste of time.

I love shopping with my mother. she has a credit card, and can drive me there. thereby saving me moolah two-fold. she is also convince-able, and if I want something (and have a reasonable need for it) I can get her to give in. tonight I got her to purchase me a lovely new dark blue button up shirt. she seems to enjoy buying things for me, even when I complain about how long she takes to look at stuff. maybe I can take her to college, but just for shopping.

all shook up

have you ever felt like you just have this special connection with someone? like every time you are with them you both are doing nothing but completely enjoying yourselves? and you understand each other?

I think I have that. actually I'm pretty sure I do.

but I'm afraid to take any action about it. like it would be awkward, I think. but maybe she feels the same way. I don't know. it's only happened like three times. previously I'd dismissed it. but it just feels so right. but I don't know.

there are so many things stopping me. yet who am I to let things stop me? heh I'm a logical person, who knows that the world might frown upon this love. for now, at least. maybe it's best to wait; but then it might be too late. this is the very thing that I hate about emotions and feelings and love: they are so intangible.

I like tangibility.

anyway, so I missed a day. but I know it won't disrupt my habit forming. plus, I was having fun playing dodgeball, so supreme excuse. this was a good weekend. I am a happy boy.

obsessive complusive discovery

today I realized how obsessive compulsive I can be.

I was sitting in 2nd hour, and I was constantly straightening my papers so that they were parallel with the table edge, organizing my binder, placing my 'name tent' at just the correct position on the fake wooden table so that I looked pleasant to my eye. and how I always have to write things in the same page format in my notebook, and rotate through the four colors of my pen (today was a black ink day. tomorrow will be green). then at dinner I noticed that the first thing I do when I sit is arrange my silverware perfectly perpendicular to the table edge, each piece going in its proper place-- just as we learned in second grade, and my knife always points to my drink and my napkin does under the (if it were a cartesian plane) second quadrant of my plate, with the top portion of the fork resting on top.

weird is just how I'd describe it. like, I'd never thought of myself as "OCD" before, but the more I thought about it I guess I am. I mean, I'll probably post and edit this post five or six times before I like the way it looks. I always do.

okay, enough with the examples. actually enough of this topic, I got my point across.

no need to obsess over it.

(on a related note, I've been really working on not saying 'acrosst' lately. I'm getting better)

forks.

I think that I do too much.

life so often feels like a buffet line, and all the choices you have are all laid out in front of you, free for you to pick (for some reason I've been noticing a lot of food analogies in my writing lately...). and not everything looks good, there are obviously some things you don't want to try at all, but most of it looks mmm soo yummy. and you want to just try it all, even if just a little bit of everything; you don't want to miss a thing.

but you can't do it all. and that's when you have to make decisions, that's when you make sacrifices. unfortunately this year I haven't made so many sacrifices, and, actually, I've said yes to basically everything that has come my way.

NOT a good idea.

my justification is "senior year," but, in reality, that shouldn't be a reason. I shouldn't be this stretched out. I mean, no matter what stage you are in life, you should be able to do what you want, if you strive for it. there's no need to try and fit it all in my last year of high school. I mean, if when I turn 40 I decide that I what to be a symphonic cellist after I've quit playing for 17 years, why not?

I believe that if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

unfortunately, sometimes I have so many dreams it becomes quite impossible to pursue them all. and that's where I'm stuck right now. there are so many paths.

what do I want to be the most?
goood question.

the open cage

"Fly, fly away!" squealed Kaitlyn gaily as she opened the cold, metal cage where her grey pigeon was resting. The pigeon didn't move. "Come on, flap your wings, little birdie!" she urged.

Nearby, her careful mother kept Kaitlyn constantly within her sight. She was a good parent, spending hours with her child each day, not a few minutes like other parents. Kaitlyn's mother knew the importance of the relationship between her and her six-year old.

"Mommy, why won't the bird fly?"

"I don't know, dear. Why don't you leave it though and come play with your new Slinky? The bird probably just wants to sleep," responded her mother in the gentlest voice she could conjure up; she knew that the bird was not alive. But how could she expose this little innocent girl--her baby Kay-- to such a profound concept as death? Why smother the untainted joy in her soul?

For this same reason, Kaitlyn didn't know that her father, too, was dead. Her mother was, well, protecting her. Kaitlyn would learn one day, she decided, and that would be that. But unforeseen to her mother, that day would come far, far too soon.

---
it's peculiar, sometimes I write something, and then place meaning to it. my intentions just magically appear, but they often seem to be nothing more than an after thought.

it is rather frustrating really, but perhaps I really started with the intentions of making what I write to mean this or that-- except it originated as a subconscious thought. or even that someone is writing through me. wow sorry that thought just sent a chill through my spine.

I guess I don't often know where my inspirations or thoughts even live sometimes, I can't pinpoint them, but when they surface I appreciate them so much.

enough to share them with you.

it takes 21 days to develop a habit

writing is a crucial part of life. crucial meaning important or essential. thus, I have decided to make a pact with myself to try to write everyday. i mean, like write. not filling out a math worksheet or german notebook page, but creatively thinking through something and applying it using written language.

luckily for me I'm in creative writing right now, so I have to :) but I also plan to blog here everyday, even if no one reads it. because it's important to document our lives, our failures and our successes. how else will the people in the future know what life was like?

I like to imagine that one day my grandson or daughter might somehow stumble upon an archive of things I've written, either electronically or on paper, and take the time read and appreciate it. so, if nothing else, I write for those I don't even know.

what it seems i don't know

so lately I have been able to hang out with my friends more often, it has seemed. outside of school, I might point out. I emphasize that mostly because the people that I see at school are not the same people are not the people that I see elsewhere. a lot of people are good at playing the innocent game at school, and it makes me wonder how much I really don't know.

I suppose the scariest part for me is, what about when I have kids? what will they be doing that I won't know about? perhaps that is one thing that you learn to accept as a parent. but I hope and pray that my children and I are so close that we don't have any secrets. HA. that is probably a long shot. but how much privacy is one entitled to, especially as a child?

it comes down to the fact that things are so hard to outline; there's no definite answer.
I guess for now I'm just left to wonder.