the more i wonder...

...i wonder if the fact that i am wondering is a sign in itself.

here I am not studying for a test because my brain is too busy running

through scenarios of all these different things that could happen.

mostly concerning relationships.

I hate not knowing.

I hate it most when I want to know, when I want to be sure.

how can one be sure?

you just know, they say.

but I thought I've known multiple times.

surely I'm not going to end up with multiple people.

so how do you know?

perhaps (and most likely) I've only thought that I've known

and maybe I'm still waiting for the moment when I really know.

or maybe that moment has already passed and I missed it.

the problem is that I just don't know and people expect me to.

I miss the old; I enjoy the new; I look forward to the yet-to-come.

how will I know?

complications

"sometimes they words, they, they come out so wrong" - BSB

so the last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I had a wonderful spring break in south carolina visiting colleen's sister kelly. it was nice just to relax and spend sometime without worrying about anything. we were kind of riding a high when we got back.

then school happened, a.k.a. started piling everything on at once because they realized crap we only have 6 weeks left. so things got stressful but colleen and I maintained and didn't get to talk much but it was okay because we had a great week prior.

but then the next week (this last week) became even more hectic, even more crazy, even more busy, plus we hadn't seen each other the last weekend and we were getting stressed. anyway on thursday we were in a little argument over the phone that carried over from wednesday night unfortunately. and i got a little drastic and didn't know what to do because I felt like I had so much going on and just wasn't all together plus I wasn't doing well with God at the time so I just felt lost so I ended up saying that things were over between colleen and I.

sometimes, the words they come out so wrong.

so now I've tried to explain a million times that I didn't mean it I was just in a fit of rage, which she understands but she's still not sure whether or not she knows that it will never happen again. so now we aren't together but we aren't apart it's hard to describe and I just wish I never said it because it drove us both to do some things we didn't want to do and now things just feel so messed up and I feel like crap.

at least I still have hope.

I just don't know how long this will take.

poop.

the captain's chair

today I went downtown to this sweet barber shop called the captain's chair.

I felt like I stepped back in time.

aside from the nautical theme, it was just like I imagined it. glass store front with the chairs facing out, people walking by and waving to the barber as he cut your hair, chit chat about what's going on in town, and a classy hair cut for a good price.

above anything, it was an experience. one that I will definitely do again. it was just a break from life, a transportation to a time that seemed simpler. it was peaceful and beautiful.

plus, now I am lookin' good.

have a good week!

God-centered living

lately I've really discovered that life is more manageable when I let God be my center.

for lent, I've been trying to read the Bible everyday. sure, I haven't succeeded, but I'm working on it. and there has been a noticeable difference on the days that I have. it wasn't that I had less to do or anything, I just felt like things weren't as stressful, and I really think that God is the reason.

so if anything, I'd encourage anyone reading this to start their day off with a prayer, and just ask for guidance through the day.

you never know what He will do.

holding on

can be so hard sometimes. i don't want it to end.

but how do i know if it must?

sigh.

honesty

there's something quirky about honesty. something that makes it unnerving to think about.

honesty is something that most people have trouble with. it's because honesty is usually something cruel, or blunt that isn't socially acceptable in most situations. how often do you tell the lady at the gas station counter that she has b.o. compared to when you just hold your breath and skedaddle as quickly as possible? 

it's the reaction that scares us. it's why we hide things, hold them inside. 

but we don't know the lady at the counter. 

we do know our friends.

so why aren't we honest with them? if they are really our friends, shouldn't they accept the honest truth, no matter how damaging it might be? yet, we often don't hold that confidence in our relationships. because for some reason once we are honest, ties get severed and things get awkward. so for 99.9% of our friendships we simply act like we 'should'

I just I feel like honesty shouldn't be such a taboo thing.

And I don't want to be punished for it.

crapathy

I feel so BLAH.

I have problems I don't want to deal with, and I don't know why.

My motivation comes in short spirts that I have to take advantage of.

I possess a lackluster mood about life.

I'm only doing what is required of me.

And I need to get out of this loop.

But for some reason I don't want to.

WHYYYY?

hmph.

found this in a box

business/busyness

so it's been awhile. a lot of things have changed, a lot have stayed the same.

I suppose the biggest news that I have is that I am now employed. I was lucky enough to have my Computer Science professor recommend me for a job in the department doing research on Constraint Processing, working on handling a database and its processes as well as improving and completing the Sudoku solver that someone has previous written here at the university.

otherwise, I have been busy with classes and working on just finding a balance in life. ends up that might be one of the biggest things I learn in the next four years, how to maintain a balanced life of productivity, relaxation, and enjoyment of the little things. it seems to easy to get caught up in everything and just become overwhelmed at the immensity of life.

sometimes I really struggle to find the silver lining.

but fortunately it's there. Colleen and I have started reading Job, which is a real testament to how to handle things when they seem overwhelming. one of my favorite verses says "shall we accept good from God, but not trouble?" it has really put things in perspective for me.

so I suppose, sitting back and looking at life, life is really beautiful right now.
I can only hope that it continues this way.

a sour note

this week I came to the realization that a music major is just not going to work for me.

I'm not cut out for the task, the music department is kinda screwy, and I don't feel like fighting for it. it makes me wonder though, how important it really was to me if I'm just going to let it go away like this. I'm probably taking my last music class ever right now. I want to cry because I am so upset, and I'd rather just sit and cry then get off my butt and try.

I dunno. this week has kinda be rough. I basically failed my sightsinging audit today, and my teacher told me that I need to get on track.

I guess she just doesn't know that I'm not riding that train anymore.

major decisions

I've been looking to the future a lot lately. contemplating where it is I want to be in four years, what I want to be doing. I thought I knew, but now that I really examine myself I don't even know anymore.

my current major, computer science, is all well and good, and I'm perfectly capable of doing it, but it also frustrates the living daylights out of me when it's not working (which ends up to be the majority of the time). the only alluring thing about computer science right now is job placement and salary.

but should those be an issue if I am not happy? I don't think so. do the rewards of the joy I feel when I accomplish a programming assignment outweigh the stress that it took to get there? maybe not.

and what about music? I really love music. it's my one true passion, but I don't feel like I'm extraordinary at it, at least not performance-wise. I don't think I could really handle being an applied music major for two years just to make into a theory or education major. plus, I'm not sure I'd want to teach music, unless it's theory. and I just don't see things falling in line in that area, but I really don't want to lose the music. it's just not something I want to deal with right now.

what I really believe I would love to be right now is a high school math teacher. math has always been a forte of mine, and I think I have a strong enough grasp on most of the topics covered in high school that I could plausibly teach it now, so with an education to enforce that I think I could kick butt at it. do I want to deal with crazy kids though? downside number one. salary? downside number two. but I do love math.

they say to do what you love, and the rest will follow. so I guess I need to decide what I love the most, and make it happen. of course, if I don't have enough interest to find the reason to pursue it, no matter what it takes, maybe I don't have the passion needed.

these are just the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind in between all my classes and homework and visits home.

for now, I'm just gonna sit it out and see what develops from this semester.

hope all is well,

Jason

life is a song.

so lately I've been dabbling in song recording (shameless plug: purevolume.com/jasong) and amidst my frustrations and jubilations I've realized how much life is like recording a song.

there are so many details that have to be attended to, balance and instrumentation and rhythm and tempo. they all are homogeneous with life. you can't go in unprepared. it's important to plan ahead, and to have an idea of what you'd like the outcome to be like. also, you must be ready to compromise and make changes on the fly. if these things don't happen, nothing productive will ever be accomplished.

lately the song I'm living is a good one. it's not perfect, in fact it has its struggles at times. the different parts feel like they are fighting each other, but eventually they seem to resolve back to a center. it's an intricate balance, I definitely am dealing with a multi-track mix. 

but with all the tracks combined, despite a few wrong notes here and there, life sounds pretty good right now.

in dependence

coming to college, I figured that things would get better, mostltty because I just felt that I was ready to be free from the direct jurisdiction of my parentals. and as far as that aspect goes it is. I can stay up to 2:30 every night if I want. I can eat nothing but ice cream and cookies at every meal. I can smoke a pack a day if I feel like it. I can skip all my classes and watch soaps all morning.

yet, I don't.

ends up, that I'm not really independent from my parents. in fact, I'm very much dependent on them, or at least their ideals. I've been just shocked and moved this last week or so how much my parents have shaped my life, and how they affected how I behave here, when I have freedoms like never before. 

it makes perfect sense, since I've basically lived with them for the last 18 years of my life, and they developed me into who I am. but I guess I never really thought about it, nor appreciated it.

I guess in the end, it comes down to the classic "you don't know what you have until you lose it". and I've just realized how much my parents, despite our various disagreements and what not that we all have, mean to me. 

sappy thoughts of the day.

by me.

the last couple weeks.

looking back over the last month, I find myself very unsure about how things have gone. 

as a disclaimer, I got my wisdom teeth out on monday, so I've been sitting around doing nothing and thinking a lot. while on the subject, I think I'm recovering pretty well, I had people over monday night already and I was talking and moving with ease, but by now I feel like things are dragging on forever and I can't even use a straw for two weeks and there's just a bunch of crazy stuff but I guess it's all for the better. I need to make sure I take my time and not rush this.

unlike some other parts of life.

do you ever feel like you're growing a lot and moving on from who you used to be, and then before you know it, you've slipped back to where you started?

that's how I feel right now. I almost feel like I rushed myself into something without thinking about. even worse, I thought I had thought about it. but now I find myself struggling to find a place of comfort. maybe this is how it's supposed to be. how should I know? it's been years. maybe I'm just wimping out because I don't want to adjust. but also maybe I don't know if this is important enough for me to adjust to.

even worse, I'm moving out friday and that's just going to add another layer of confusion to this cake.  yikes.

I feel like a mess right now.

hopefully I can patch things together.

anyway. I'll be back soon.

so much for frequency

as you can see, I am super diligent with the whole daily blogging thing. not.

life gets busy, and blogging becomes less and less important. plus it's summer. I have a job, I'm traveling a million places, I have friends to hang out with, a new love interest, college to get ready for, plus I often would rather just sleep than blog.

anyway, I thought I would mention that I'm updating this here on my new laptop! I purchased a loverly MacBook Pro yesterday night and we are just getting acquainted and a must say that we get along very nicely. it has everything I want. plus, it looks awesome, it super fast and sleek, and it's just so perfect. I luff it.

otherwise, I HATE work, absolutely despise it. I want to die every time I punch in. even the paychecks aren't worth it. hopefully after tomorrow and thursday I can just quit going.

that's life, as it is right now.

one month from now I'll be moving into my dorm, prepping for the next chapter of my life.

hooray!

a moment of history

so today I decided that if they ever invent a time machine (how long have people been hoping this will happen?) that I would want to go back to May 7, 1824 to see and hear the premiere of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in Vienna.

I bet you've all heard the story about the time Beethoven had to be told to turn around to accept his applause, well this was that time. but that's not why I want to go.

I was listening to this today while I was mowing (peculiar, perhaps) and it just reaffirmed my love for Beethoven's music. he just has a way of conveying emotion that no one else possesses, and it makes me shiver to think that he could compose this stuff, let alone when he was nearly one hundred percent deaf. but still, (i guess this is kinda the same point as the last one) that's not why I want to go.

I was reading about this premiere today, and it just seems like the most amazing time. first off, this was a time when composers still reigned and their music was highly anticipated and appreciated. the premiere was packed. this ended up being Beethoven's final symphony. it's over an hour of music. and this night, Beethoven received the respect and love that he'd been without for so many years of his life. i mean, he received five standin ovations. it was truly his night to shine.

and I wish I could have been there when he experienced that.

so, if they ever invent a time machine.
that's where I'll go.

faulpelz

lately I've been very lazy. sleeping until noon (not today.. i guess), sitting on my butt at home all day, not going out til ten and getting home early the next morning. watching tv, sitting at my computer. not cleaning, not working, just lounging.

but when struck with this realization, I encountered another. this is basically my last summer to just enjoy life. to enjoy travelling to five different places. to not have a job. to do what I want. to elude the Man.

so I'm quite fine with wasting my summer away laying in bed or watching tv.
if only I had someone to enjoy it with me...

renewed reason

so I went to the CWS yesterday with my grandfather.

and we were talking, and we was telling me all these cool stories about how he worked 90 hour weeks in college emptying coal from rail cars or how he played at rosenblatt when he was in high school or how he got his first job at a john deere shop.

and I just found myself longing for more and more stories and lessons and just history of how he lived and what he did. I feel like a lot will be lost whenever he passes if I don't get to know more and more about him.

so now I feel like I should start writing more here or somewhere so that someone knows what I did, so that a grandchild of mine could appreciate my life. and I know that I've said that before, but I guess yesterday just kinda made me want to do better at keeping this up, you know?

so I begin again.

officially collegiate

well tuesday I went to lincoln and enrolled. it was a freakin long day, and actually mostly filled with pointless presentations and tours, I mean really I could have gone for only an hour and gotten the same out of it, instead of the nine hours it took.

but I got registered for classes, which I guess was the whole point so that was good. plus my advisor, despite my dislike I already had for him from the last time we met, was actually very accepting of my plans to double major and didn't seem to want to force a bunch of computer classes down my throat, and let me take music. I guess I was surprised by that, but the music people seemed even more surprised and tried to stop me, but in the end I was victorious.

so here's the line up.

Musicianship Skills I (+ Lab and Keyboard Skills) - 4 hrs
Analytical Geometry and Calculus III - 4hrs
Library - 1 hr
Intro to Computer Science II - 4hrs
Univ Honors Seminar - History - 3hrs


I think it'll be a good semester. I didn't really want the history seminar (I was hoping for either the music or math one, but, figures, they were full) but I like the professor so I think it'll be chill. lots of reading it seems though, but that'll be good.

anyway, that's all that's really new. oh, I went to Disney world that was really fun. otherwise, the job that I "have" hasn't given me any work so that's real great for the pocket book. not.

oh well. everything will work out.
plus, free iPod with mac computer purchases! so i'm stoked for that.

'til later,
Jason