i cried a bit today.

I want to scream.
This is too much.
How can my dreams
cause such a fuss?
Why won't you let me
pursue what I want?
Why must I prove
that I'm good enough?
Can't you see passion?
I have it inside.
Just give me this chance,
I won't be denied.
Until I'm accepted
relentless, I'll be
for never will I let you
ruin my dream.

unexpected busyness.

so definitely got the wrong impression that things would start winding down about now. I figured after prom, everything would be easy going, nothing to worry about.

unfortunately life doesn't stop for me the way I seem to think it would.

now I feel just as busy as ever, and life seems to be barrelling down on me faster than ever.

welcome to reality, again, Jason.

first bite.

As I scrape the warm, freshly-baked cookie off of the hot, silvery cookie sheet with a cool, silvery spatula, I can hardly contain my anticipation. The very sight of that peanut butter cookie sends a direct shot through my cornea straight to my saliva glands, telling them: "Get ready for the good stuff!" My hands seems to ignore the temperature of the cookie as I lift it slowly toward my mouth. My teeth open gradually, allowing just enough space for the cooking to fit. My tongue rises to greet it, eagerly awaiting the taste and dually controlling the amount to enter. As I relax my arm, the cookie bends, and my lips tighten to bear the load. My teeth reunite as they pierce the dough and peanuts, creating a rush of flavor as they go. I close my eyes to take in the goodness. Suddenly, my whole life seems at ease. Nothing exists but that cookie and me. As I grind the cookie into digestible bits, my mind is exploding with enjoyment. Taking a careful gulp, the cookie is beyond my taste, and I can hardly wait for the next bite.

earth day.

today was beautiful.

I realized today how much I love the smell of outside. like, I finally recognized that it has it's own distinct smell and I really like it.

it reminds me off all the great times I've spent outside at camp and at the lake and on sidewalks and on trees.

it reminds me of how beautiful God made everything.

today I learned

that 70 percent of kids in third grade have a television in their room.

this sickens me.
where is society going? televisions are hardly worth anything these days, they are full of crap, and children should learn and explore when they are young. not watch hannah montana.

sorry. pet peeve. my children are definitely not having a tv in their room. not when they are in third grade, at least. of course we probably won't even have tv by then.

anywho, just my thoughts.

there's something addicting..

being onstage last night was one of the best nights of my life. like ever. and will ever be. there's something so freeing and amazing and enjoyable about going out on a stage in front of 600-700+ people and just being yourself and having people laugh and have a good time.

with that power in my hand, I feel so good. not like selfish like I'm glad they like me. but rather I'm glad that I could bring joy to so many people! (and that I didn't hear any crickets..)

I wish I could do that every weekend.
but then again, that's a lot of pressure. not that this event wasn't.

I guess maybe now I'm considering stage life? forget stage fright, I want to do it for everyone else. but what am I going to be? a comedian? a pianist? an emcee? a public speaker? I don't know. maybe this is crazy talk and I'm just still on a high from last night.

whatever it is. laughter is such a beautiful thing.

2nd runner up.

omgosh I can believe it's already over.
man, definately had the time of my life on stage.

dang.
that's all i can say.

thank you all who helped!

i wrote this for you, too

so I wrote my scholarship essay for the millard west music association like a blog so that it would have my voice in my thoughts and so I could share it with you.

hope they don't mind my use of passive voice or starting sentences with conjunctions.

oh well, this is me.
---

I still remember the day in eighth grade when a group of Millard West music students came to our middle school to encourage us to take music in high school. Even at my age, I assumed that most of the kids were just there because a teacher requested that they come, or because they simply wanted to get out of class. But one thing that a student said that day has stuck with me: “My favorite part about music is that it is first block everyday, and there is no better way to start the day than by making music.” Cheesy, I thought. But now, four years later, I discover myself on the opposite side of that interaction, and I can fully understand and appreciate how true that statement really is in my life.
Music has been a prominent part of my life since third grade when I first took up the piano. However, it was my four years at Millard West that opened the door and allowed me to realize what music means to me. When I started playing music, it was just something my parents wanted me to do. I didn’t really comprehend it, and by the time I entered high school I still don’t believe that I had a true appreciation for it. However, through the various musical groups and activities and experiences that I participated in at Millard West, I came to recognize how much music affects me everyday, and how it will continue to for the rest of my life.
One of the most important classes that I took during my high school education was AP Music Theory. This class really opened my eyes to what music really is. Before, music was something to do; it was notes on a page; it was nothing more than merely a sound to the ear. But after taking Music Theory, I came to realize that there is so much more to music than just notes and sounds. It goes deeper, portraying emotion and character and feeling; music is a glimpse into the soul. Music isn’t just created. It is conceived. The intricacies involved are so carefully planned to bring out what the composer intended, each note having its own meaning and purpose. To quote Beethoven, “Music is a higher revelation than philosophy.” Music Theory implanted a passion for music inside of me, one that will never be relinquished.
That passion is now the driving force in my life. This last year I have stepped beyond where I believed my boundaries were, joining more music groups and studying more and more music. I find myself comparing everyday life situations to musical terms: “Can’t you see? This problem is just like a suspended-four chord. You can feel it fighting itself, but you know that sooner or later it’ll get resolved.” I read books about composers, delving into their lives to appreciate their music at a deeper level. I analyze the chord structures of songs just for fun. It sounds like madness, I know, but I can’t help it! It’s what I love to do.
When that day that I receive my diploma arrives and I depart Millard West to commence the next chapter of my life, I won’t be leaving everything behind. Even without first block music to help me begin each day, inside of me, I will still have the music, and the passion that I developed for it while attending this school. Thanks to the Millard West Music Program, I now know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician.

God-breathed

I have these moments (one of them was tonight) where I'll be talking about God with some peers, and then all of a sudden realize that's it's not me talking at all. obviously, it's my voice that is speaking, but the words, those are beyond my own comprehension.

it's really cool, actually, because I feel like they're things that I would say but I didn't know how, and God just speaks through me and puts to words what I am incapible of doing. and I just praise Him for that.

and now I begin to wonder how many times I've seen God speaking to me through someone else.
and how many times I ignored it. :-/

this, too, is bomb:
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. [2 Corinthians 5:21]

ninja turtles

(from xkcd.com)

recurring theme

I can't seem to tell you how I feel
mostly because it doesn't ever seem right.
together, everything seems
like it was all meant to be,
but how rare an occurrence that is.
I try to speak, but you don't respond
unless you know that I need you then and there
otherwise, I'm just an acquaintance
but you don't know how much more I am.

I admire your eyes;
they are seas that flood my heart with excitement.
and your laugh, your sarcasm, your understanding,
they all leave impressions on me,
I find myself thinking about you more and more.
with caution, I try not to obsess
but if only you could see that I am willing
then I could let my adoration overflow
and fill you with joy and esteem
and love, yes love

however, I am nothing more than a dreamer,
only from afar might I see.
in my head, I know what we could achieve
still, it is folly, nothing more than a silly notion.
listen to this talk!
what merit does it hold?

sex, drugs, and rock & roll

I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately. mostly because I pulled out our USB record player and uploaded a handful of my dad's old vinyl records to my computer. I mean listen to this line up: Alan Parsons Project, Boston, ELO, Genesis, Journey, Pink Floyd, R.E.M., Rick Springfield, Styx, Supertramp, The Police, The Who, Tower of Power. I never knew I was sitting on such a gold mine. and that's just the beginning.

but listening to all this music has really made me wonder about drugs lately. like most of these bands were druggies, it comes through their music, and the music is amazing. some of the best music I have ever heard. so I mean, there's gotta be something that drugs unleash in you, spurring such creativity.

maybe it's the inhibition of the feeling you get, or the part of the brain that is stimulated, or maybe it's just happenstance. anyway, I'm really intrigued by this now.

I mean, it's not to say I want to be a druggie so I can appreciate the music more, or try to experience what they were when they wrote it. and I guess at this point in life drugs sound freakin scary, knowing what they can do (and seeing what they do to some people).

so for now, I'll just enjoy the music.
but my curiosity is definitely peaked.

loneliness

is tragical.

spring renewal

so right now we're in the process of getting a bunch of new carpet in my house. like entire first and second floor. guess high school graduations bring about these kind of things.

at first, I was really upset about it, because it's a LOT of work and I'm not exactly free willy right now with mr. millard west, and school, and DMC, and prom, and just trying to enjoy life. I also didn't know we were doing the whole carpet thing until a couple weeks ago (although, evidently they mentioned it this fall? I don't remember that!)

but now I'm kinda enjoying it. sure, we've had to move everything except the kitchen sink into the basement to clear room for the carpet people. and I've had to stay home a lot instead of going out (not that anyone invites me anywhere any way. no joke.) but I really like the cleanliness part of it. like we're gonna get rid of a buncha junk we don't need. the carpet will be pristine. and everything will be dusted off and refreshed. like uber spring cleaning. ahhh.

I wish I could spring clean my life. okay, I take that back. I can I wish I would.

I have so much going on in my mind lately. college (despite the fact that I'm decided), relationships (friends, parents, likes, crushes, loves), getting a job (yikes, never had one of those), college (did I mention that?)

anyway. I'm long winded.
happy spring!

video killed the photo album.

today I realized that there will be another major media for my children and grandchildren to see what I was like when I was young.

video.

think about all the videos on youtube, or facebook, or just on your camera. and think of your children watching them. I don't know it seems kinda weird and kinda cool at the same time. cause then they can see that I was just a regular kid like them (or a complete weirdo) but at the same time do I want them to see that?

I don't know. it's kinda hard to describe my apprehension toward the concept. I guess it just kinda feels like there's less for me to tell and more for me to show to my children. oh man - "show don't tell" great, thanks mr. mercer.

either way, it'll make a good family night someday to sit down and watch my old mr. millard west tapes. gosh that day is going to be so embarrassing.

homaha.

so today I fell in love with omaha. if you can do such a thing.

it's weird though, because I've lived here my whole life. well kinda, millard doesn't really count as omaha, mostly because it's just nothing more than suburbia. but today anna, candace, landon, and I went downtown and shot some footage for mr. millard west and I realized how cool this city really is.

like the next time the thought 'omaha is so boring' pops in my mind, I am driving downtown and just walking around. it's amazing what you can find. I definately on my list for this summer is to spend much more time downtown.

and hopefully by then I'll have a sweet camera and I can totally show you how much I love this place.

but for now, these petty words will have to suffice.

(and this cool pic I found on google.)

this counts as sunday's post.

one of my favorite things about life, is that everything has meaning to someone.

like, for instance, Candace and I watched 'Word Wars' tonight, about national Scrabble tournaments. and sure, to most people Scrabble is just a living room game, but to others it is their life. same can be true for ping pong, singing, or eating hot dogs.

there is nothing in this world that has no meaning, I guess it was I am trying to get across. why else would there be a world record for the longest time balancing a car on one's head? to somebody that means something.

so I suppose whenever you think something is dumb, remember it's not dumb to someone.
my philosophical thoughts for the night.

immortal beloved

Ludwig van Beethoven: What do you think? Music is... a dreadful thing. What is it? I don't understand it. What does it mean?

Anton Felix Schindler: It - it exalts the soul.

Ludwig van Beethoven: Utter nonsense. If you hear a marching band, is your soul exalted? No, you march. If you hear a waltz, you dance. If you hear a mass, you take communion. It is the power of music to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer. The listener has no choice. It is like hypnotism. So, now... What was in my mind when I wrote this? Hmm? A man is trying to reach his lover. His carriage has broken down in the rain. The wheels stuck in the mud. She will only wait so long. This... is the sound of his agitation. "This is how it is... ," the music is saying. "Not how you are used to being. Not how you are used to thinking. But like this."


mmm, new favorite movie.
it is beautiful.

1-on-1

I really like conversing with people, I do. it can be a real good time.

but when you have to talk with someone you haven't talked to for a while (if ever), things just seem to get so awkward. like, sure you're trying to be nice and courteous and learn everything that has happened in that person's life since you last met them, but whenever I'm in that situation, my mind always seems to gallivant off to thoughts of "hmm, how can I get out of this conversation?"

not that I don't in joy it, it just seems awkward. and I don't know why. I guess it's because I haven't interacted with the person for a while, so I'm not remembering completely how to interact with that person. so I look for an exit.

then, inevitably, I will about a half hour after the conversation think "oh, I should have asked this, or said that" then I feel bad for ending the chat when I did.

oh well, I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
orrr maybe I should work on my social skills.

fence sitting.

I never noticed,
not until now
how soft you hair feels to my touch

it's strange, the days
gone by since we met
and I never noticed how you heal my heart

I know you well,
it seems not by chance
you are all that I yearn for in life

how will I feel
if I never say
and act as though I never noticed?

void.

so tonight was the honors recital. I wore my new shirt :-).

it was the most crazy thing that I've ever experienced, though. I'd practiced my song enough times that I could play it easily. so when I went out there I wasn't too concerned about what I was going to play. I cleared everything from my mind, to concentrate on the music. I wanted to experience this.

oddly enough though I seemed to clear absolutely everything from my mind. I honestly don't remember thinking anything while I was sitting there on that piano bench. nothing but crap where I am when I messed up on my song. I played like a robot.

no thoughts. I don't know, it was weird.