major decisions

I've been looking to the future a lot lately. contemplating where it is I want to be in four years, what I want to be doing. I thought I knew, but now that I really examine myself I don't even know anymore.

my current major, computer science, is all well and good, and I'm perfectly capable of doing it, but it also frustrates the living daylights out of me when it's not working (which ends up to be the majority of the time). the only alluring thing about computer science right now is job placement and salary.

but should those be an issue if I am not happy? I don't think so. do the rewards of the joy I feel when I accomplish a programming assignment outweigh the stress that it took to get there? maybe not.

and what about music? I really love music. it's my one true passion, but I don't feel like I'm extraordinary at it, at least not performance-wise. I don't think I could really handle being an applied music major for two years just to make into a theory or education major. plus, I'm not sure I'd want to teach music, unless it's theory. and I just don't see things falling in line in that area, but I really don't want to lose the music. it's just not something I want to deal with right now.

what I really believe I would love to be right now is a high school math teacher. math has always been a forte of mine, and I think I have a strong enough grasp on most of the topics covered in high school that I could plausibly teach it now, so with an education to enforce that I think I could kick butt at it. do I want to deal with crazy kids though? downside number one. salary? downside number two. but I do love math.

they say to do what you love, and the rest will follow. so I guess I need to decide what I love the most, and make it happen. of course, if I don't have enough interest to find the reason to pursue it, no matter what it takes, maybe I don't have the passion needed.

these are just the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind in between all my classes and homework and visits home.

for now, I'm just gonna sit it out and see what develops from this semester.

hope all is well,

Jason

life is a song.

so lately I've been dabbling in song recording (shameless plug: purevolume.com/jasong) and amidst my frustrations and jubilations I've realized how much life is like recording a song.

there are so many details that have to be attended to, balance and instrumentation and rhythm and tempo. they all are homogeneous with life. you can't go in unprepared. it's important to plan ahead, and to have an idea of what you'd like the outcome to be like. also, you must be ready to compromise and make changes on the fly. if these things don't happen, nothing productive will ever be accomplished.

lately the song I'm living is a good one. it's not perfect, in fact it has its struggles at times. the different parts feel like they are fighting each other, but eventually they seem to resolve back to a center. it's an intricate balance, I definitely am dealing with a multi-track mix. 

but with all the tracks combined, despite a few wrong notes here and there, life sounds pretty good right now.

in dependence

coming to college, I figured that things would get better, mostltty because I just felt that I was ready to be free from the direct jurisdiction of my parentals. and as far as that aspect goes it is. I can stay up to 2:30 every night if I want. I can eat nothing but ice cream and cookies at every meal. I can smoke a pack a day if I feel like it. I can skip all my classes and watch soaps all morning.

yet, I don't.

ends up, that I'm not really independent from my parents. in fact, I'm very much dependent on them, or at least their ideals. I've been just shocked and moved this last week or so how much my parents have shaped my life, and how they affected how I behave here, when I have freedoms like never before. 

it makes perfect sense, since I've basically lived with them for the last 18 years of my life, and they developed me into who I am. but I guess I never really thought about it, nor appreciated it.

I guess in the end, it comes down to the classic "you don't know what you have until you lose it". and I've just realized how much my parents, despite our various disagreements and what not that we all have, mean to me. 

sappy thoughts of the day.

by me.

the last couple weeks.

looking back over the last month, I find myself very unsure about how things have gone. 

as a disclaimer, I got my wisdom teeth out on monday, so I've been sitting around doing nothing and thinking a lot. while on the subject, I think I'm recovering pretty well, I had people over monday night already and I was talking and moving with ease, but by now I feel like things are dragging on forever and I can't even use a straw for two weeks and there's just a bunch of crazy stuff but I guess it's all for the better. I need to make sure I take my time and not rush this.

unlike some other parts of life.

do you ever feel like you're growing a lot and moving on from who you used to be, and then before you know it, you've slipped back to where you started?

that's how I feel right now. I almost feel like I rushed myself into something without thinking about. even worse, I thought I had thought about it. but now I find myself struggling to find a place of comfort. maybe this is how it's supposed to be. how should I know? it's been years. maybe I'm just wimping out because I don't want to adjust. but also maybe I don't know if this is important enough for me to adjust to.

even worse, I'm moving out friday and that's just going to add another layer of confusion to this cake.  yikes.

I feel like a mess right now.

hopefully I can patch things together.

anyway. I'll be back soon.

so much for frequency

as you can see, I am super diligent with the whole daily blogging thing. not.

life gets busy, and blogging becomes less and less important. plus it's summer. I have a job, I'm traveling a million places, I have friends to hang out with, a new love interest, college to get ready for, plus I often would rather just sleep than blog.

anyway, I thought I would mention that I'm updating this here on my new laptop! I purchased a loverly MacBook Pro yesterday night and we are just getting acquainted and a must say that we get along very nicely. it has everything I want. plus, it looks awesome, it super fast and sleek, and it's just so perfect. I luff it.

otherwise, I HATE work, absolutely despise it. I want to die every time I punch in. even the paychecks aren't worth it. hopefully after tomorrow and thursday I can just quit going.

that's life, as it is right now.

one month from now I'll be moving into my dorm, prepping for the next chapter of my life.

hooray!

a moment of history

so today I decided that if they ever invent a time machine (how long have people been hoping this will happen?) that I would want to go back to May 7, 1824 to see and hear the premiere of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in Vienna.

I bet you've all heard the story about the time Beethoven had to be told to turn around to accept his applause, well this was that time. but that's not why I want to go.

I was listening to this today while I was mowing (peculiar, perhaps) and it just reaffirmed my love for Beethoven's music. he just has a way of conveying emotion that no one else possesses, and it makes me shiver to think that he could compose this stuff, let alone when he was nearly one hundred percent deaf. but still, (i guess this is kinda the same point as the last one) that's not why I want to go.

I was reading about this premiere today, and it just seems like the most amazing time. first off, this was a time when composers still reigned and their music was highly anticipated and appreciated. the premiere was packed. this ended up being Beethoven's final symphony. it's over an hour of music. and this night, Beethoven received the respect and love that he'd been without for so many years of his life. i mean, he received five standin ovations. it was truly his night to shine.

and I wish I could have been there when he experienced that.

so, if they ever invent a time machine.
that's where I'll go.

faulpelz

lately I've been very lazy. sleeping until noon (not today.. i guess), sitting on my butt at home all day, not going out til ten and getting home early the next morning. watching tv, sitting at my computer. not cleaning, not working, just lounging.

but when struck with this realization, I encountered another. this is basically my last summer to just enjoy life. to enjoy travelling to five different places. to not have a job. to do what I want. to elude the Man.

so I'm quite fine with wasting my summer away laying in bed or watching tv.
if only I had someone to enjoy it with me...