crapathy

I feel so BLAH.

I have problems I don't want to deal with, and I don't know why.

My motivation comes in short spirts that I have to take advantage of.

I possess a lackluster mood about life.

I'm only doing what is required of me.

And I need to get out of this loop.

But for some reason I don't want to.

WHYYYY?

hmph.

found this in a box

business/busyness

so it's been awhile. a lot of things have changed, a lot have stayed the same.

I suppose the biggest news that I have is that I am now employed. I was lucky enough to have my Computer Science professor recommend me for a job in the department doing research on Constraint Processing, working on handling a database and its processes as well as improving and completing the Sudoku solver that someone has previous written here at the university.

otherwise, I have been busy with classes and working on just finding a balance in life. ends up that might be one of the biggest things I learn in the next four years, how to maintain a balanced life of productivity, relaxation, and enjoyment of the little things. it seems to easy to get caught up in everything and just become overwhelmed at the immensity of life.

sometimes I really struggle to find the silver lining.

but fortunately it's there. Colleen and I have started reading Job, which is a real testament to how to handle things when they seem overwhelming. one of my favorite verses says "shall we accept good from God, but not trouble?" it has really put things in perspective for me.

so I suppose, sitting back and looking at life, life is really beautiful right now.
I can only hope that it continues this way.

a sour note

this week I came to the realization that a music major is just not going to work for me.

I'm not cut out for the task, the music department is kinda screwy, and I don't feel like fighting for it. it makes me wonder though, how important it really was to me if I'm just going to let it go away like this. I'm probably taking my last music class ever right now. I want to cry because I am so upset, and I'd rather just sit and cry then get off my butt and try.

I dunno. this week has kinda be rough. I basically failed my sightsinging audit today, and my teacher told me that I need to get on track.

I guess she just doesn't know that I'm not riding that train anymore.

major decisions

I've been looking to the future a lot lately. contemplating where it is I want to be in four years, what I want to be doing. I thought I knew, but now that I really examine myself I don't even know anymore.

my current major, computer science, is all well and good, and I'm perfectly capable of doing it, but it also frustrates the living daylights out of me when it's not working (which ends up to be the majority of the time). the only alluring thing about computer science right now is job placement and salary.

but should those be an issue if I am not happy? I don't think so. do the rewards of the joy I feel when I accomplish a programming assignment outweigh the stress that it took to get there? maybe not.

and what about music? I really love music. it's my one true passion, but I don't feel like I'm extraordinary at it, at least not performance-wise. I don't think I could really handle being an applied music major for two years just to make into a theory or education major. plus, I'm not sure I'd want to teach music, unless it's theory. and I just don't see things falling in line in that area, but I really don't want to lose the music. it's just not something I want to deal with right now.

what I really believe I would love to be right now is a high school math teacher. math has always been a forte of mine, and I think I have a strong enough grasp on most of the topics covered in high school that I could plausibly teach it now, so with an education to enforce that I think I could kick butt at it. do I want to deal with crazy kids though? downside number one. salary? downside number two. but I do love math.

they say to do what you love, and the rest will follow. so I guess I need to decide what I love the most, and make it happen. of course, if I don't have enough interest to find the reason to pursue it, no matter what it takes, maybe I don't have the passion needed.

these are just the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind in between all my classes and homework and visits home.

for now, I'm just gonna sit it out and see what develops from this semester.

hope all is well,

Jason

life is a song.

so lately I've been dabbling in song recording (shameless plug: purevolume.com/jasong) and amidst my frustrations and jubilations I've realized how much life is like recording a song.

there are so many details that have to be attended to, balance and instrumentation and rhythm and tempo. they all are homogeneous with life. you can't go in unprepared. it's important to plan ahead, and to have an idea of what you'd like the outcome to be like. also, you must be ready to compromise and make changes on the fly. if these things don't happen, nothing productive will ever be accomplished.

lately the song I'm living is a good one. it's not perfect, in fact it has its struggles at times. the different parts feel like they are fighting each other, but eventually they seem to resolve back to a center. it's an intricate balance, I definitely am dealing with a multi-track mix. 

but with all the tracks combined, despite a few wrong notes here and there, life sounds pretty good right now.

in dependence

coming to college, I figured that things would get better, mostltty because I just felt that I was ready to be free from the direct jurisdiction of my parentals. and as far as that aspect goes it is. I can stay up to 2:30 every night if I want. I can eat nothing but ice cream and cookies at every meal. I can smoke a pack a day if I feel like it. I can skip all my classes and watch soaps all morning.

yet, I don't.

ends up, that I'm not really independent from my parents. in fact, I'm very much dependent on them, or at least their ideals. I've been just shocked and moved this last week or so how much my parents have shaped my life, and how they affected how I behave here, when I have freedoms like never before. 

it makes perfect sense, since I've basically lived with them for the last 18 years of my life, and they developed me into who I am. but I guess I never really thought about it, nor appreciated it.

I guess in the end, it comes down to the classic "you don't know what you have until you lose it". and I've just realized how much my parents, despite our various disagreements and what not that we all have, mean to me. 

sappy thoughts of the day.

by me.