i wrote this for you, too

so I wrote my scholarship essay for the millard west music association like a blog so that it would have my voice in my thoughts and so I could share it with you.

hope they don't mind my use of passive voice or starting sentences with conjunctions.

oh well, this is me.
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I still remember the day in eighth grade when a group of Millard West music students came to our middle school to encourage us to take music in high school. Even at my age, I assumed that most of the kids were just there because a teacher requested that they come, or because they simply wanted to get out of class. But one thing that a student said that day has stuck with me: “My favorite part about music is that it is first block everyday, and there is no better way to start the day than by making music.” Cheesy, I thought. But now, four years later, I discover myself on the opposite side of that interaction, and I can fully understand and appreciate how true that statement really is in my life.
Music has been a prominent part of my life since third grade when I first took up the piano. However, it was my four years at Millard West that opened the door and allowed me to realize what music means to me. When I started playing music, it was just something my parents wanted me to do. I didn’t really comprehend it, and by the time I entered high school I still don’t believe that I had a true appreciation for it. However, through the various musical groups and activities and experiences that I participated in at Millard West, I came to recognize how much music affects me everyday, and how it will continue to for the rest of my life.
One of the most important classes that I took during my high school education was AP Music Theory. This class really opened my eyes to what music really is. Before, music was something to do; it was notes on a page; it was nothing more than merely a sound to the ear. But after taking Music Theory, I came to realize that there is so much more to music than just notes and sounds. It goes deeper, portraying emotion and character and feeling; music is a glimpse into the soul. Music isn’t just created. It is conceived. The intricacies involved are so carefully planned to bring out what the composer intended, each note having its own meaning and purpose. To quote Beethoven, “Music is a higher revelation than philosophy.” Music Theory implanted a passion for music inside of me, one that will never be relinquished.
That passion is now the driving force in my life. This last year I have stepped beyond where I believed my boundaries were, joining more music groups and studying more and more music. I find myself comparing everyday life situations to musical terms: “Can’t you see? This problem is just like a suspended-four chord. You can feel it fighting itself, but you know that sooner or later it’ll get resolved.” I read books about composers, delving into their lives to appreciate their music at a deeper level. I analyze the chord structures of songs just for fun. It sounds like madness, I know, but I can’t help it! It’s what I love to do.
When that day that I receive my diploma arrives and I depart Millard West to commence the next chapter of my life, I won’t be leaving everything behind. Even without first block music to help me begin each day, inside of me, I will still have the music, and the passion that I developed for it while attending this school. Thanks to the Millard West Music Program, I now know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician.

God-breathed

I have these moments (one of them was tonight) where I'll be talking about God with some peers, and then all of a sudden realize that's it's not me talking at all. obviously, it's my voice that is speaking, but the words, those are beyond my own comprehension.

it's really cool, actually, because I feel like they're things that I would say but I didn't know how, and God just speaks through me and puts to words what I am incapible of doing. and I just praise Him for that.

and now I begin to wonder how many times I've seen God speaking to me through someone else.
and how many times I ignored it. :-/

this, too, is bomb:
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. [2 Corinthians 5:21]

ninja turtles

(from xkcd.com)

recurring theme

I can't seem to tell you how I feel
mostly because it doesn't ever seem right.
together, everything seems
like it was all meant to be,
but how rare an occurrence that is.
I try to speak, but you don't respond
unless you know that I need you then and there
otherwise, I'm just an acquaintance
but you don't know how much more I am.

I admire your eyes;
they are seas that flood my heart with excitement.
and your laugh, your sarcasm, your understanding,
they all leave impressions on me,
I find myself thinking about you more and more.
with caution, I try not to obsess
but if only you could see that I am willing
then I could let my adoration overflow
and fill you with joy and esteem
and love, yes love

however, I am nothing more than a dreamer,
only from afar might I see.
in my head, I know what we could achieve
still, it is folly, nothing more than a silly notion.
listen to this talk!
what merit does it hold?

sex, drugs, and rock & roll

I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately. mostly because I pulled out our USB record player and uploaded a handful of my dad's old vinyl records to my computer. I mean listen to this line up: Alan Parsons Project, Boston, ELO, Genesis, Journey, Pink Floyd, R.E.M., Rick Springfield, Styx, Supertramp, The Police, The Who, Tower of Power. I never knew I was sitting on such a gold mine. and that's just the beginning.

but listening to all this music has really made me wonder about drugs lately. like most of these bands were druggies, it comes through their music, and the music is amazing. some of the best music I have ever heard. so I mean, there's gotta be something that drugs unleash in you, spurring such creativity.

maybe it's the inhibition of the feeling you get, or the part of the brain that is stimulated, or maybe it's just happenstance. anyway, I'm really intrigued by this now.

I mean, it's not to say I want to be a druggie so I can appreciate the music more, or try to experience what they were when they wrote it. and I guess at this point in life drugs sound freakin scary, knowing what they can do (and seeing what they do to some people).

so for now, I'll just enjoy the music.
but my curiosity is definitely peaked.

loneliness

is tragical.

spring renewal

so right now we're in the process of getting a bunch of new carpet in my house. like entire first and second floor. guess high school graduations bring about these kind of things.

at first, I was really upset about it, because it's a LOT of work and I'm not exactly free willy right now with mr. millard west, and school, and DMC, and prom, and just trying to enjoy life. I also didn't know we were doing the whole carpet thing until a couple weeks ago (although, evidently they mentioned it this fall? I don't remember that!)

but now I'm kinda enjoying it. sure, we've had to move everything except the kitchen sink into the basement to clear room for the carpet people. and I've had to stay home a lot instead of going out (not that anyone invites me anywhere any way. no joke.) but I really like the cleanliness part of it. like we're gonna get rid of a buncha junk we don't need. the carpet will be pristine. and everything will be dusted off and refreshed. like uber spring cleaning. ahhh.

I wish I could spring clean my life. okay, I take that back. I can I wish I would.

I have so much going on in my mind lately. college (despite the fact that I'm decided), relationships (friends, parents, likes, crushes, loves), getting a job (yikes, never had one of those), college (did I mention that?)

anyway. I'm long winded.
happy spring!