here I am not studying for a test because my brain is too busy running

through scenarios of all these different things that could happen.

mostly concerning relationships.

I hate not knowing.

I hate it most when I want to know, when I want to be sure.

how can one be sure?

you just know, they say.

but I thought I've known multiple times.

surely I'm not going to end up with multiple people.

so how do you know?

perhaps (and most likely) I've only thought that I've known

and maybe I'm still waiting for the moment when I really know.

or maybe that moment has already passed and I missed it.

the problem is that I just don't know and people expect me to.

I miss the old; I enjoy the new; I look forward to the yet-to-come.

how will I know?

complications

"sometimes they words, they, they come out so wrong" - BSB

so the last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I had a wonderful spring break in south carolina visiting colleen's sister kelly. it was nice just to relax and spend sometime without worrying about anything. we were kind of riding a high when we got back.

then school happened, a.k.a. started piling everything on at once because they realized crap we only have 6 weeks left. so things got stressful but colleen and I maintained and didn't get to talk much but it was okay because we had a great week prior.

but then the next week (this last week) became even more hectic, even more crazy, even more busy, plus we hadn't seen each other the last weekend and we were getting stressed. anyway on thursday we were in a little argument over the phone that carried over from wednesday night unfortunately. and i got a little drastic and didn't know what to do because I felt like I had so much going on and just wasn't all together plus I wasn't doing well with God at the time so I just felt lost so I ended up saying that things were over between colleen and I.

sometimes, the words they come out so wrong.

so now I've tried to explain a million times that I didn't mean it I was just in a fit of rage, which she understands but she's still not sure whether or not she knows that it will never happen again. so now we aren't together but we aren't apart it's hard to describe and I just wish I never said it because it drove us both to do some things we didn't want to do and now things just feel so messed up and I feel like crap.

at least I still have hope.

I just don't know how long this will take.

poop.