you could say it's a love/hate

I hate shopping with my mother. she always has to look at everything. like even if it's something complete unneeded at our household. she says, "you shop like a man," which I am proud of. I know what I want in advance, I go in and find what I need, purchase it, then leave. I don't gawk or see what's on sale or 'peek' into a new store to see what they have. that's just ridiculous and a waste of time.

I love shopping with my mother. she has a credit card, and can drive me there. thereby saving me moolah two-fold. she is also convince-able, and if I want something (and have a reasonable need for it) I can get her to give in. tonight I got her to purchase me a lovely new dark blue button up shirt. she seems to enjoy buying things for me, even when I complain about how long she takes to look at stuff. maybe I can take her to college, but just for shopping.

all shook up

have you ever felt like you just have this special connection with someone? like every time you are with them you both are doing nothing but completely enjoying yourselves? and you understand each other?

I think I have that. actually I'm pretty sure I do.

but I'm afraid to take any action about it. like it would be awkward, I think. but maybe she feels the same way. I don't know. it's only happened like three times. previously I'd dismissed it. but it just feels so right. but I don't know.

there are so many things stopping me. yet who am I to let things stop me? heh I'm a logical person, who knows that the world might frown upon this love. for now, at least. maybe it's best to wait; but then it might be too late. this is the very thing that I hate about emotions and feelings and love: they are so intangible.

I like tangibility.

anyway, so I missed a day. but I know it won't disrupt my habit forming. plus, I was having fun playing dodgeball, so supreme excuse. this was a good weekend. I am a happy boy.

obsessive complusive discovery

today I realized how obsessive compulsive I can be.

I was sitting in 2nd hour, and I was constantly straightening my papers so that they were parallel with the table edge, organizing my binder, placing my 'name tent' at just the correct position on the fake wooden table so that I looked pleasant to my eye. and how I always have to write things in the same page format in my notebook, and rotate through the four colors of my pen (today was a black ink day. tomorrow will be green). then at dinner I noticed that the first thing I do when I sit is arrange my silverware perfectly perpendicular to the table edge, each piece going in its proper place-- just as we learned in second grade, and my knife always points to my drink and my napkin does under the (if it were a cartesian plane) second quadrant of my plate, with the top portion of the fork resting on top.

weird is just how I'd describe it. like, I'd never thought of myself as "OCD" before, but the more I thought about it I guess I am. I mean, I'll probably post and edit this post five or six times before I like the way it looks. I always do.

okay, enough with the examples. actually enough of this topic, I got my point across.

no need to obsess over it.

(on a related note, I've been really working on not saying 'acrosst' lately. I'm getting better)

forks.

I think that I do too much.

life so often feels like a buffet line, and all the choices you have are all laid out in front of you, free for you to pick (for some reason I've been noticing a lot of food analogies in my writing lately...). and not everything looks good, there are obviously some things you don't want to try at all, but most of it looks mmm soo yummy. and you want to just try it all, even if just a little bit of everything; you don't want to miss a thing.

but you can't do it all. and that's when you have to make decisions, that's when you make sacrifices. unfortunately this year I haven't made so many sacrifices, and, actually, I've said yes to basically everything that has come my way.

NOT a good idea.

my justification is "senior year," but, in reality, that shouldn't be a reason. I shouldn't be this stretched out. I mean, no matter what stage you are in life, you should be able to do what you want, if you strive for it. there's no need to try and fit it all in my last year of high school. I mean, if when I turn 40 I decide that I what to be a symphonic cellist after I've quit playing for 17 years, why not?

I believe that if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

unfortunately, sometimes I have so many dreams it becomes quite impossible to pursue them all. and that's where I'm stuck right now. there are so many paths.

what do I want to be the most?
goood question.

the open cage

"Fly, fly away!" squealed Kaitlyn gaily as she opened the cold, metal cage where her grey pigeon was resting. The pigeon didn't move. "Come on, flap your wings, little birdie!" she urged.

Nearby, her careful mother kept Kaitlyn constantly within her sight. She was a good parent, spending hours with her child each day, not a few minutes like other parents. Kaitlyn's mother knew the importance of the relationship between her and her six-year old.

"Mommy, why won't the bird fly?"

"I don't know, dear. Why don't you leave it though and come play with your new Slinky? The bird probably just wants to sleep," responded her mother in the gentlest voice she could conjure up; she knew that the bird was not alive. But how could she expose this little innocent girl--her baby Kay-- to such a profound concept as death? Why smother the untainted joy in her soul?

For this same reason, Kaitlyn didn't know that her father, too, was dead. Her mother was, well, protecting her. Kaitlyn would learn one day, she decided, and that would be that. But unforeseen to her mother, that day would come far, far too soon.

---
it's peculiar, sometimes I write something, and then place meaning to it. my intentions just magically appear, but they often seem to be nothing more than an after thought.

it is rather frustrating really, but perhaps I really started with the intentions of making what I write to mean this or that-- except it originated as a subconscious thought. or even that someone is writing through me. wow sorry that thought just sent a chill through my spine.

I guess I don't often know where my inspirations or thoughts even live sometimes, I can't pinpoint them, but when they surface I appreciate them so much.

enough to share them with you.

it takes 21 days to develop a habit

writing is a crucial part of life. crucial meaning important or essential. thus, I have decided to make a pact with myself to try to write everyday. i mean, like write. not filling out a math worksheet or german notebook page, but creatively thinking through something and applying it using written language.

luckily for me I'm in creative writing right now, so I have to :) but I also plan to blog here everyday, even if no one reads it. because it's important to document our lives, our failures and our successes. how else will the people in the future know what life was like?

I like to imagine that one day my grandson or daughter might somehow stumble upon an archive of things I've written, either electronically or on paper, and take the time read and appreciate it. so, if nothing else, I write for those I don't even know.

what it seems i don't know

so lately I have been able to hang out with my friends more often, it has seemed. outside of school, I might point out. I emphasize that mostly because the people that I see at school are not the same people are not the people that I see elsewhere. a lot of people are good at playing the innocent game at school, and it makes me wonder how much I really don't know.

I suppose the scariest part for me is, what about when I have kids? what will they be doing that I won't know about? perhaps that is one thing that you learn to accept as a parent. but I hope and pray that my children and I are so close that we don't have any secrets. HA. that is probably a long shot. but how much privacy is one entitled to, especially as a child?

it comes down to the fact that things are so hard to outline; there's no definite answer.
I guess for now I'm just left to wonder.