the more i wonder...

...i wonder if the fact that i am wondering is a sign in itself.

here I am not studying for a test because my brain is too busy running

through scenarios of all these different things that could happen.

mostly concerning relationships.

I hate not knowing.

I hate it most when I want to know, when I want to be sure.

how can one be sure?

you just know, they say.

but I thought I've known multiple times.

surely I'm not going to end up with multiple people.

so how do you know?

perhaps (and most likely) I've only thought that I've known

and maybe I'm still waiting for the moment when I really know.

or maybe that moment has already passed and I missed it.

the problem is that I just don't know and people expect me to.

I miss the old; I enjoy the new; I look forward to the yet-to-come.

how will I know?

complications

"sometimes they words, they, they come out so wrong" - BSB

so the last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I had a wonderful spring break in south carolina visiting colleen's sister kelly. it was nice just to relax and spend sometime without worrying about anything. we were kind of riding a high when we got back.

then school happened, a.k.a. started piling everything on at once because they realized crap we only have 6 weeks left. so things got stressful but colleen and I maintained and didn't get to talk much but it was okay because we had a great week prior.

but then the next week (this last week) became even more hectic, even more crazy, even more busy, plus we hadn't seen each other the last weekend and we were getting stressed. anyway on thursday we were in a little argument over the phone that carried over from wednesday night unfortunately. and i got a little drastic and didn't know what to do because I felt like I had so much going on and just wasn't all together plus I wasn't doing well with God at the time so I just felt lost so I ended up saying that things were over between colleen and I.

sometimes, the words they come out so wrong.

so now I've tried to explain a million times that I didn't mean it I was just in a fit of rage, which she understands but she's still not sure whether or not she knows that it will never happen again. so now we aren't together but we aren't apart it's hard to describe and I just wish I never said it because it drove us both to do some things we didn't want to do and now things just feel so messed up and I feel like crap.

at least I still have hope.

I just don't know how long this will take.

poop.

the captain's chair

today I went downtown to this sweet barber shop called the captain's chair.

I felt like I stepped back in time.

aside from the nautical theme, it was just like I imagined it. glass store front with the chairs facing out, people walking by and waving to the barber as he cut your hair, chit chat about what's going on in town, and a classy hair cut for a good price.

above anything, it was an experience. one that I will definitely do again. it was just a break from life, a transportation to a time that seemed simpler. it was peaceful and beautiful.

plus, now I am lookin' good.

have a good week!

God-centered living

lately I've really discovered that life is more manageable when I let God be my center.

for lent, I've been trying to read the Bible everyday. sure, I haven't succeeded, but I'm working on it. and there has been a noticeable difference on the days that I have. it wasn't that I had less to do or anything, I just felt like things weren't as stressful, and I really think that God is the reason.

so if anything, I'd encourage anyone reading this to start their day off with a prayer, and just ask for guidance through the day.

you never know what He will do.

holding on

can be so hard sometimes. i don't want it to end.

but how do i know if it must?

sigh.

honesty

there's something quirky about honesty. something that makes it unnerving to think about.

honesty is something that most people have trouble with. it's because honesty is usually something cruel, or blunt that isn't socially acceptable in most situations. how often do you tell the lady at the gas station counter that she has b.o. compared to when you just hold your breath and skedaddle as quickly as possible? 

it's the reaction that scares us. it's why we hide things, hold them inside. 

but we don't know the lady at the counter. 

we do know our friends.

so why aren't we honest with them? if they are really our friends, shouldn't they accept the honest truth, no matter how damaging it might be? yet, we often don't hold that confidence in our relationships. because for some reason once we are honest, ties get severed and things get awkward. so for 99.9% of our friendships we simply act like we 'should'

I just I feel like honesty shouldn't be such a taboo thing.

And I don't want to be punished for it.